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Dave Tompkins

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I was going to make some educated guesses about what was going to happen on the Sopranos finale, but then I started coming up with more and more stupid / entertaining endings and so I decided to just stick with them. Enjoy:

THE "WILE E. COYOTE" ENDING -- New York lures Tony out of hiding with explosive animitronic ducks.

THE "MY NAME IS EARL" ENDING -- Tony discovers karma, and makes a list of everyone he has wronged and needs to 'right' -- including the one legged woman he had sex with.

THE "POSTMAN ALWAYS RINGS TWICE" ENDING -- Furio shows up to kill Tony and become the head of both Soprano families.

THE "DALLAS" ENDING -- Tony is still in a coma... everything since then has been a dream.

THE "FEDERICO FELLINI" ENDING -- Tony is killed by one of those singing fish.

THE "SEINFELD" ENDING -- Tony and all the Sopranos get locked up not for organized crime, but for breaking some other stupid law.

THE "BLUES BROTHERS" ENDING -- Tony and Paulie end up in jail, but they make it to the Cook County Assessor just in time to save the Bada Bing!

THE "QUEER EYE FOR THE STRAIGHT GUY" ENDING -- Johnny Cakes shows up, plucks Phil's eyebrows, shows him how to moisturize, changes his wardrobe and then Phil becomes fantabulous!

THE "STAR WARS" ENDING -- AJ kills Phil by hitting a target no bigger than a womp rat.

THE "EMPIRE STRIKES BACK" ENDING -- It turns out Phil is Paulie's real father. AJ is encased in carbonite, but everyone likes him better that way.

THE "RETURN OF THE JEDI" ENDING -- Phil and New York are defeated by Ewoks.

THE "PHANTOM MENACE" ENDING -- David Chase pisses of millions of fans by introducing a CGI mobster named Jerry "Jersey" Binksotolla.

THE "ATTACK OF THE CLONES" ENDING -- In a face off battle Tony and Paulie are fighting Phil, and just after Phil chops off Tony's hand a CGI Uncle Junior jumps in doing out-of-character spinning cartwheel martial art attacks.

THE "REVENGE OF THE SITH" ENDING -- After Charmaine dies, Phil turns Artie Bucco to the dark side who goes on a killing spree... ending in a battle against Tony where Artie gets disfigured in a boiling pot of Pasta Sauce.

THE "TRAILER PARK BOYS" ENDING -- Everyone goes to jail. Everyone.

THE "CLEAVER" ENDING -- Zombie Christopher comes back to kill Tony.

THE "STRIPTEASE" ENDING (GOOD VERSION) -- Meadow gets a job stripping at the Bada Bing!

THE "STRIPTEASE" ENDING (BAD VERSION) -- Janice gets a job stripping at the Bada Bing!

THE "BLADE RUNNER" ENDING -- It turns out that Tony was the android all along.